Ending the year soon.

Ending the year hopefully on a happy note.

It’s been a pretty sucky 2011.

I’ll talk about 2011 another time. I want to talk about things that have passed.

There are many things that I miss. The bright sun and of course includes the discontinued service of the KTM station and everything that comes with it. Sigh. I miss sitting there with kuihs and teas and bandungs and good friends.

Then the other day, Abang Man (to be honest, I don’t know his name actually) the caretaker of TAPAC talked to me about the building will be taken over by the government. Something he said, enlightened me on something that I knew, we all knew, but we conveniently forgot.

I asked, how long has he been there at TAPAC. He said, his father has been there for 50 years and he has been there for 30 years. The numbers sounds like the shoemaker apek in Ali Baba Bujang Lapok’s line when Sergeant asked him how long has he been in Baghdad. I believe Abang Man must have also received his senior citizenshippee..

Then he continued that it will be a lie if he doesn’t feel sad about leaving the building. But he said, all these are fated. It has been fated even before the beginning of time. We will be sent to this building on a particular date and leased to another particular date and then we leave for another place. Why feel so sad? Maybe a new place would be better?

The logic struck me quick. I know this but it never meant much to me until then. I’ve only lived for 31 years. Relationship for only 5 years, break up, sad… PSP 2 years spoilt, sad… Slack at KTM for 3 years, discontinued, sad… and many many other things. This old man, there for 30 years and yet he’s being positive about it. My sense of belonging on many things are measly compared to his length of stay in that building.

Sigh. Everything’s fated. Just like borrowing a library book. You choose what book you want. After 2 week, you return it. Yes I still owe them some cash. Why wasn’t I sad when I return books? Because I already knew it’s going to happen. That I have to return them.

Everything is a sign of everything else. Of everything else bigger. In this case, everything is fated, everything is lent to you, make full use of it and when the time is up, return it and move on. Go on to something else, make full use of it and move on again. The next thing could be better, but it could also be worse. But they’re just like chapters in a book to go on next and next and next and it all depends on how you look at it. You decide to make it good or bad. And when the time is up, again you return it and move on.

Just like our life that is lent to us. Make good use of it. When the time is up, we’ll have to return it and move on. And this big picture is reflected in many small things around us. The people we meet, our clothes that don’t fit anymore, our spoilt tv, expired contact lenses, etc… are all lent to us. Fated with an expiry date that we either know or do not know.

Abang Man said, “Why feel so sad? Maybe a new place would be better?”. Before closing it off with a request, “Boy, got cigarette?” I gave him a stick. Oh well, I guess it’s fated and dated on that day that that stick was meant for him. I rode my bike and moved on.

You’re my kryptonite

Though I’m not even close to a superman

When you’re around

I wish I’m taller

I wish I’m bigger

I wish I’m smarter

I wish I’m beefier

I wish I’m fairer

I wish I’ve sharp features

I wish I look better

I wish I sing nicer

I wish I’m richer

I wish I’m a famous actor

I wish I’m not invisible

I wish you’d look at me

I wish you’d listen to me

I wish you’d appreciate me

I wish you’d pull me close

I wish you’d hang on to me wherever I go

You’re my kryptonite

I don’t need you

But we come from the same place

I see you, though you may not see my face

I don’t like this

I don’t know what else to say

Cos I’m not superman that can fly up up and away

I’m flying back to Krypton

Where Kryptonites stay

I’m honestly quite appalled at e damage baku has done to our language. Quite simply, no one speaks baku. I may not remember correctly but I think I remember baku was introduced to be a standard way of speaking to unite the malay archipelago. So as to make the Malaysians and Indonesians understand us. But they’re still having their own slang and accents… so this effort is a “fail”! wahahhaa.. 

I watched several shows and everyone’s proud of their accent. I am proud of my Johor Riau accent. 

What pushed me to write this is the disturbing fact that I’ve seen many times is whenever a youth reads something in Malay, they will read it in baku. this is annoying especially if it’s a drama script. (Sorry Amilin if you’re reading this, but honestly you’re not the first one to say the following things). Then when I asked can you not read it in baku, they’ll answer, but the script is written in baku? Whaaat? 

So… “Ada”… how do you spell it if it’s not in “Baku”? Hmmm… “Ader..?” 

Mampus la!

So now I have to spell things like… ader? aper? jiker? kenaper?

pffft…. thanks eh baku.

Long live ministers that don’t listen. 

asyik reblog aje. is there anything original here?

as a freelancer, it’s almost impossible to ask for higher wages

what i can ask for, or hope for this election would be lowering the living costs

but still….. it’s hard to say

as a freelancer, i have to make my own money. i have no control over wages, though some other freelancers do.

i’m just one of the lowly wannabes they call it

if ever i mention or ask for a higher fee, the potential employer will just turn away and shout, “next!”

so i have to run around to make ends meet.

sometimes i get employers who gets upset on why i have to keep running around. which to me, is quite weird. if they pay me enough for me to stay, i’ll be glad to stay. but many of them don’t. weirdly they think they do. which to me is insulting.

i do have nice employers too of course and if one day i could ever be an employer myself, i would be the nice one who will support my freelancers whenever they have to run around.

i still have a couple of companies who has yet to pay me my fees. one of them i’ve already gave up on. the other one, i did a shoot for them some time back and have yet to pay me. as always, i can never mention anything about money for knowing they will never call me back if i do.

it’s very hard. really. if i ask for higher fee, i will be passed and they look for someone else. if i accept the fee they give me, most of the time it’s too low in comparison to the man hours i have to commit to. with this, i have to take up other jobs concurrently to make ends meet.

and sometimes, if i accept the fee offered, i can be seen as a person who spoils the market. pfft…

it’s even harder that i have to save up for my future needs, be it medical or livelihood. i don’t contribute to the CPF (not that I believe in it anyway..) so everything is plain old cash, cash, cash…

sometimes i wonder, whether i should just give it all up and work with the government. have a desk job and constant monthly income. got cpf. got benefits..etc etc.. i won’t like it. but it’s stable.

in 2004 i worked with the gahmen. $1600 per month. $50 increment per year… hmmm… let me see.. so if i continued working, my pay now would be $1950.

sigh… oh well.. let’s see what’s the next 5 years have for us on living costs.

i know there’s no point talking about it anymore

but i was reading this

http://www.todayonline.com/SingaporeVotes/EDC110508-0000052/Sun-sets-on-Opposition-veterans-career

mr chiam has been there for 27 years. i have students who are so matured i admire them to the core. and yet this man has been there even before these young students of mine were even born.

when he returned to potong pasir early this morning, the residents were clearly dejected.

they were sad. they were upset.

imagine this. a small stronghold fallen. a stronghold of 27 years. a symbol of democracy.

imagine it fall

imagine scotland rampaged by the english in braveheart

or singapura when the majapahit soldiers entered our gates

not as brutal of course but imagine a man’s livelihood, a whole resident, a community, a whole potong pasir identity, fall… just like that.

but this is not war. this is the general elections.

so the people who opened the gates, weren’t soldiers, but the people of potong pasir themselves.

i’m sure they weren’t there when mr chiam returned this morning. they would either be sleeping or maybe peeking out of their windows to see.

how evil is that? how selfish..

so many things gone… so many that i don’t know where to start or what should i say first.. so many….

just because those people sleeping or peeking from their windows..

want lifts on every floor

…… seriously… you want all these materialistic things.. just move out from there.. you’ve just destroyed a man, a whole community’s 27 years of effort….

how many times have you seen a little child walking along holding the parents’ hands

once in a while they let the child walk on his own, gingerly, stumble and fall

the parent will come over and smile and lift him up and off he goes again

sometimes the child falls harder than before

sometimes the parent lift them up

sometimes they leave him to get up on his own

cries a bit and walks again

smiles again and they walk again

it’s ok to feel shitty at times

it’s ok to feel shitty sometimes, it seems like all the time

it’s ok to feel it’s harder this time

it’s ok to cry more than the other time

what’s for sure

you’ll smile again and carry on walking

it’ll be all right again

it’ll be all right all the time

because like the child with the parent behind him

We have God with us

all the time

so smile

cos everything’s gonna be all right

bila menulis skrip, 

janganlah buat yang ada lawak bodoh. sebab lawak bodoh dah tak musim lagi. dah ketinggalan sekurang-kurangnya 20 tahun. 

lawak bodoh selalunya menggunakan orang lain atau watak sebagai bahan tawaan. ini memperkecilkan seorang manusia, atau mengaibkannya, walaupun hanya dalam cerita, ia mengajar manusia untuk tidak menghormati orang lain. secara tidak langsung, sang penulis juga tidak menghormati para pelakonnya. jadilah seorang penulis yang bertanggungjawab.

jikalau awak seorang penulis yang berbakat, tidak perlu memancing tawaan dengan menggunakan lawak bodoh sebagai umpan

lawak bodoh hanya akan menjatuhkan nilai karya awak. ia akan menjadi karya murahan walaupun makcik-makcik awak akan suka. harus diingat, makcik yang suka ini adalah makcik yang masih terperangkap dalam kepompong mereka yang dibanggakan 20 tahun dulu. 

ok dah 

tu j

honestly i was seriously considering of giving up. with all the talks behind my back. with me being accused a flirt. it was really… disheartening.

especially knowing that these are the people i’ve shared my time, my knowledge, my love, my trust.

so i thought.. felt… why should i anymore right? it’s voluntary in the first place anyway. let this be the last and i shall just follow suit like the others who left and leave it behind as a distant memory.

then the offer came

after many many years.. 

and sincerely, honestly, i didn’t ask for it. not even hoping for it

it came

when i thought it’s going to be the end, it turns out to be a new beginning

say all you want. god knows best of my intentions and beliefs.

alhamdulillah.

semalam Gema Puisi Artistik. bt panjang tak menang. aku bukan sore loser. tapi aku nak menang! pasal aku manusia biasa…. siapa taknak menang kan? tapi aku tak kisah kalau kalah. sebab aku manusia berpengalaman. aku tergerak nak tulis ni sebab aku nampak ramai muka-muka kekalahan yang menyentuh hati aku.

bt panjang yang aku kenal setelah beberapa tahun ni, memang amat kurang sekali melahirkan pelajar2 berbakat seni. mereka selalu sibuk dgn macam2 perkara lain. memang tiap tahun pun susah nak menang. tak menang berseni, mungkin menang benda lain. tapi yang aku bangga tentang sekolah ni ialah, mereka sentiasa melahirkan pelajar-pelajar yang matang dan positif.

syabas kepada sekolah menengah pasir ris. aku akui kehebatan mereka dalam berseni. bagi pemenang tempat kedua dan ketiga, hmmm… aku agak kurang senang. tapi tak apa. rezeki masing-masing.

wajah2 kegembiraan pemenang itu satu perkara biasa. tetapi semalam aku ternampak wajah2 gembira yang sombong apabila menjulang trofi2 mereka. tidak semua, ada lah beberapa. seolah-olah mereka memang layak menang. mereka yang terbaik. mereka memang terror la. aku tersentuh kerana aku terlihat wajah-wajah kekalahan disekeliling mereka yang teramat hampa. aku nampak wajah-wajah menang dengan riaknya menjeling dan bersenyum sinis. aku nampak wajah-wajah kalah yang melihat dengan cemburu dan berasa teramat rendah diri.

aku terutama sekali, amat tersentuh apabila dalam perjalanan pulang, aku ternampak seorang anak perempuan mengemas begnya bersama ibu dan ayahnya dengan wajah hampanya. ibunya membantu. ayahnya melihat. di bawa ayah dan ibunya untuk menonton. ayah dan ibunya pula datang menyokong. tentu sekali dia berasa hampa. aku rasa macam nak pergi kat budak tu dan menepuk bahunya sambil memujuk. tapi tak.. nanti orang cakap aku flirt pulak…

ini adat pertandingan. ada menang ada kalah. tapi adat pertandingan juga, akan menimbulkan riak dan membunuh keyakinan diri. terutama sekali anak2 muda yang amat lembut isi mereka.

sepanjang 31 tahun hidup aku, aku pun tak banyak menang apa. boleh kira je.. darjah 1, 3, 4 dan 5, aku menang best in malay. menengah 2 aku menang tempat pertama pertandingan sepak takraw antara regu sekolah. politeknik tahun kedua, aku menang tempat pertama pertandingan beradu suara (talentime). waktu perkhidmatan negara, aku menang pertandingan bolasepak antara company semasa BMT. tahun lepas menang juara deklamasi sajak kreatif. hmmm.. itu je la yang dapat tempat pertama. 30 tahun, itu aje.. walaupun sikit, rasanya tetap best lah juga.. kita manusia. walau macam mana pun mesti lah rasa suka. tapi yang lain2 yang aku ambil bahagian.. banyak kali aku tak menang..

aku rasa, pihak sekolah, teman2, ibu bapa, para pelatih, para pendidik.. harus memupuk sifat-sifat mengambil bahagian, sifat menghibur diri, sifat enjoys!!, sifat gembira berseni, dalam naluri anak2 muda kita. kita harus pupuskan sifat “menang itu segala-galanya”. aku tahu ada anak yang kena rotan pasal dapat markah 95/100. tapi, ini hanya untuk berseni. sebab kita tidak boleh menilai seni. kalau lumba lari tu, mesti lah tujuan untuk menang. kalau lumba lari 100 meter tapi lari-lari anak, itu buang masa namanya.

ingat, seni tidak boleh dinilai. ia hanya boleh diberi penghargaan.

dan bagi saya, setiap kerja seni, setiap penglibatan seni… amat berharga

di sini, saya bangga dengan pelajar2 bt panjang saya. mereka bergembira. mereka tersenyum tawa. mereka menerima seadanya. bila aku toleh kebelakang, aku terlihat anak-anak yang hampa dan menangis, cemburu melihat mereka yang bersorak gembira. bukan itu caranya wahai adik-adik seniku. bila ku toleh pusing semula ke hadapan ku lihat pelajar2 aku tersenyum-tawa, mengusik gembira dalam perjalanan pulang dalam kekalahan. itulah sepatutnya. bukan trofi sahaja yang patut kita bawa pulang tetapi pengalaman bergembira bersama teman2 dan peluang berseni.

ingat, seni tidak boleh dinilai. yang penting… enjoys!